


through those who grant pardon

by jedusaur



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Emotional dependence, M/M, Reading, academic theology, escaping the prison of toxic masculinity via excruciating trauma, slight disordered eating, unnegotiated d/s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 15:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13437816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedusaur/pseuds/jedusaur
Summary: "You made me yours," Dmitri says softly, but not softly enough that either of them can pretend he did not say it. "Now you are surprised that I am yours?"





	through those who grant pardon

**Author's Note:**

> haven't watched beyond the S2 finale, so this has probably been jossed

It takes a lot to break Dmitri’s pride. He is Russian, even if his conception of what that means is falling apart at the seams--he may be a traitor to his government, but Russian identity is much larger than government, and Russian pride is sturdy stuff. Even when he sees Professor McCord standing there, the first kind eyes to meet his since he wore a military uniform, his shivering pride endures. Dmitri spits and moves past him, fully intending to plead with the American government to keep him from ever laying eyes on the man again.

And then he sees the Secretary of State, solemn in the window, and he knows for certain what he has been trying to deny. This trade makes no sense. Dmitri is not worth Peter Buckley. The only reason he is standing here, twenty steps from Russian soil his feet will never again touch, is Henry McCord. The man has saved his life, and ruined him. Everything Dmitri is and might become rests on his shoulders.

Faced with this, Dmitri and his pride, as one, shatter.

*

They take him to their home. Dmitri was not expecting this, but finds he is glad of it. He doesn't know why. It has been quite some time since he knew his own mind.

Dmitri asks the Secretary about the things that were done to him. She implies that such conversations would be detrimental to his psychological well-being. He tells her that’s fine, he’ll use the internet; she caves. Just the things he would be able to find out online, she warns, and he nods and asks her three questions in one breath. She answers, hesitantly at first and then more confidently when he does not appear to fall apart. It is reassuring to hear her speak of such things dispassionately; it is proof that dispassion in such things is possible.

She tells her husband, who asks if Dmitri would like to talk about it. Dmitri shakes his head in a silent lie.

*

Jason blows up a Nazi on the TV screen and asks, “Do you ever stop to wonder why there’s a squirrelly Russian dude living in Stevie’s room?” 

“I try not to ask these questions anymore,” says Alison. “I’ve just been enjoying the view. Those eyes...” She sighs dreamily.

Neither of them seem to realize that Dmitri and Professor McCord are in the kitchen, within earshot. Professor McCord eyes Dmitri and says in a low voice, “If you lay a finger on her--”

“Even if my dick still worked, I wouldn’t go around putting it in children,” Dmitri snaps, and leaves before Professor McCord can decide how to react.

He hasn’t had an erection since he left the American military academy. There was a time when Dmitri would never have told this to anyone. It is weakness, a betrayal of his manhood, and admitting it means losing face.

With Professor McCord, he has no face to lose.

*

Dmitri fantasizes about Professor McCord, a strange sad kind of fantasy, sexual but not arousing. He imagines Professor McCord entering his room at night, forcing him to his knees as if there could be any doubt that he would go. He imagines Professor McCord realizing the extent of his power over Dmitri, the things he could take. He imagines being told to enjoy it, and obeying.

*

Dmitri makes breakfast for the McCords, because it would seem odd to make breakfast for only one of them, and washes the dishes. They protest that he should not have to clean up after having cooked, but they are all running late for one thing or another and have no time to relieve him of his sponge.

During the day, he is alone, and he feels unsafe. He reads everything Professor McCord has written, all neatly arranged on a shelf, books next to academic journals next to thin bound thesis manuscripts. He reads slowly, thoughtfully, with an English-Russian translation tool open on the phone he has been given. He's sure the American government is monitoring it; let them scratch their heads over his interest in theological terminology.

It occurs to him that perhaps Professor McCord is the one monitoring it. He translates a few distinctive words he already knows, a clue as to his reading material for anyone watching. It makes him feel a little less unsafe.

It takes him over a week to work through everything Professor McCord has published. After he finishes, he wanders around the house aimlessly for a while before picking up the book on Professor McCord's nightstand. He sits on the floor next to the bed and reads the first two chapters, up until the place Professor McCord has bookmarked.

There are many books scattered around the house with bookmarks in them. Dmitri picks them up, one at a time, and reads until each bookmark.

*

Dmitri dreams of holding out his hand to Professor McCord and waiting, stretched out, vulnerable, for long minutes until Professor McCord finally reaches to take it. He wakes up with the first erection he's had since before he was captured.

He lies still and waits for it to go away instead of touching himself. He does not want to find out what he would think of at his moment of climax.

*

Professor McCord watches Dmitri eat his dinner, frowning, and says, "Dmitri, did you have lunch?"

Dmitri swallows his mouthful and answers, "No."

Professor McCord says nothing more then. Dmitri takes care to finish his meal slowly. The next day, in the early afternoon, he receives a text that reads, "Have you had lunch?"

Dmitri types into his phone, "I would not have survived their torture if you had not once ordered me beaten. Every time I came close to giving up, I remembered hearing your knock on the glass. Before that knock, I was certain that I would soon die. After the knock I was unsure, until you came in and gave me water. In Russia I knew there would be no one to give me water, but I could imagine I heard a knock on the glass."

He deletes the message and retrieves some leftovers from the refrigerator. "Yes," he replies instead.

*

He lays his head on Professor McCord's lap, late at night when he is reading on the couch. Dmitri has gathered from the Secretary's behavior that Professor McCord habitually goes to bed at the same time she does, and perhaps does his late-night reading there. But since Dmitri has been here, Professor McCord stays in the living room with his books until a few minutes after Dmitri has gone upstairs. Sometimes Jason or Alison is up late too, doing homework, but tonight there is no one else, and Dmitri cannot stop himself.

He does not quite think Professor McCord cruel enough to push him away, but he does anticipate some kind of resistance, confusion, questions. He does not expect Professor McCord's hand to rest carefully on his head, stroking his hair.

Dmitri closes his eyes to stop the tears, but they will not be stopped.

Professor McCord removes his hand only to turn pages for a long time, much later than the time Dmitri normally goes upstairs. Dmitri feels guilty for depriving him of sleep, but there is no question at all of breaking the contact first. Finally, when Dmitri's eyes are dry, Professor McCord says, "C'mon. Let's get to bed."

He means separate beds, of course, but between then and the moment Professor McCord disappears into his own bedroom, Dmitri allows himself to be unsure.

*

Professor McCord finishes the book Dmitri found on his nightstand and sets it aside. Dmitri picks it up, turns to the page that was previously bookmarked, and begins to read. He can feel Professor McCord's eyes on him; he looks up, anxious. Professor McCord smiles reassuringly and turns to the next book in his never-ending stacks.

The next evening, Professor McCord brings home a library copy of the book he is reading, which Dmitri has already read up to the bookmark. Dmitri finds his place in the library copy and they read together, turning the pages in unison.

Professor McCord acts as if he understands. He does not, but at least he acts as if he does.

*

"Have you had lunch?" Professor McCord texts.

"What does the Canticle of the Sun mean by 'second death'?" Dmitri texts back.

There is no response for a long time. Then Professor McCord answers, "Ask me tonight. Eat a sandwich."

Dmitri eats a sandwich.

After dinner, the family watches television together. Dmitri refuses a spot on the couch, sitting cross-legged on the floor instead. When the Secretary and the children have gone to bed, he turns to Professor McCord and asks again.

"I thought so," says Professor McCord. "It's hard to tell when you're lying in a text. You know exactly what the second death refers to, don't you?"

Dmitri stares at the carpet.

"Look at me, Dmitri."

He looks up immediately. "I missed your lectures," he admits. The sound of Professor McCord's voice saying his name has made him brave.

"So ask me something you don't know," Professor McCord says gently.

Dmitri slowly pulls his knees under him, sitting back on his heels, and asks, "Do you believe there have been true cases of stigmata?"

Professor McCord leans back against the couch. He does not invite Dmitri to sit next to him. "Well, that's not strictly a theological question so much as a personal one, but to answer it I'd have to first address my perspective on theologies of institutions..."

*

Dmitri dreams of Professor McCord again, and again he wakes up with an erection. This time he gives in.

As he comes, he is thinking of an outstretched water bottle.

He laughs and laughs, still convulsing from his orgasm. _Of course,_ he mouths silently at the ceiling in Russian. It is almost freeing to feel so helpless.

*

"Will you call me during your lecture and leave it connected so I can listen?" Dmitri asks. It is the first thing he has asked for.

"I doubt the DoD would be thrilled about that," says Professor McCord. "But I can tell you what section of the textbook we'll be covering so you can read up yourself."

"What time do you teach?" Dmitri asks.

He reads the chapter during the lecture time, pausing for five minutes when he knows Professor McCord will be going off on a tangent about Nuremberg Principle IV. He does not feel unsafe.

"The textbook didn't cover Hinzman v. Canada, did it?" Professor McCord asks that evening on the couch. "I spent a while on that in class, want me to go over it for you?"

Dmitri lies on the floor, his head tucked against Professor McCord's foot, and says, "Please."

*

The Secretary leaves for a trip abroad, and Dmitri inevitably enters Professor McCord's bedroom.

Professor McCord is on the bed, sitting against the headboard, reading a book. He looks up at Dmitri and says, after a very long pause, "I think this may not be good for you."

It is late for him to begin thinking about what may or may not be good for Dmitri, but Dmitri keeps this to himself. There is no need for both of them to be broken. Instead, he kneels by Professor McCord's side.

"You made me yours," Dmitri says softly, but not softly enough that either of them can pretend he did not say it. "Now you are surprised that I am yours?"

Professor McCord lays aside his book, implacably calm, and says, "I guess I shouldn't be."

"You can fuck me," says Dmitri, hearing dull desperation in himself. "You can pet my hair, you can make me rub your feet, you can teach me about scholasticism, you can put me in a corner and forget about me, you can beat me black and blue, but you cannot send me away. Not now."

Professor McCord takes a deep breath and lets it out. "Come here," he says.

Dmitri goes where he is beckoned, sitting between Professor McCord's legs, lying back against his broad chest, relaxing into his firm warmth.

Professor McCord picks up his book and opens it to the bookmark. "Here," he says, pointing to the beginning of a paragraph, and Dmitri begins to read aloud.


End file.
